Should there always be a title?

Just another trail of muddling euphoria. Maybe.

Excues after excuse. Keep pushing up the slide. I want you to know. Just that every breath is as individual as it can be. And the only reason is because each of us has to take it. But never fight for it. What is this all about? Most of my sentences end up as questions.

Up and down. What sense does this make?


All I'm seeking is my place in the Sun. Why do you elude me?Won't you let me in?

Touched.

I wouldn't know.Couldn't.The words have left. Sincerely,yours.

Pulled out,tugged at.A sirocco burns his way out of me. But where will you go,I asked him?

You'd be just another without the labels of my choking pain,I said to him.

He laughed as he always did. He left either way.

Apparently,there is no pain.

I lied.I don't know happiness.

Splendid part:Neither do you.

Yet.

I don't think.I don't do.

And there is nothing profound here.

Einstein,Pronoia and this Beautiful Universe

There are many 'snake' gods down to the south of India.My mom told me that they represent our DNA.There is this particular pair that do look like the helix structure of DNA proposed by Watson and Crick and the two snakes are entwined in a very similar fashion(Well,they-the snakes-seemed to be mating according to me.Then again,it's according to me.)It occurred to me that maybe it's all in our DNA.There is a particular gene to every bio-chemical and emotional response to reactions by our body.Maybe there is something more basic than the genes that controls our living self. Maybe.One more loose end.
It fascinates me how there is a pattern in everything the mind can see and cannot.Religion,underground cults,oceans,the shape of our toes,the music through ages,oil colors on water,tears.They all have the same pattern running through them.And there is more than one pattern.According to me,maybe the most important pattern would be energy.The whole of the scientific world has stated it.All of us have the same 3 components running through us:The proton ,neutron and electron.The numbers vary and that gives the variety.Einstein understood something on an similar base and gave us the Theory of Relativity.

The original theory states: E=mc²

Where E is energy and to get it all one needs to do is multiply the mass of an particular substance into the square of speed of light.This theory is probably the greatest insight Einstein every had-that energy and mass are the same thing in different forms.So that house lizard that you hate so much is the same as you.An analogy from the mother theory,helped me understand perceived difficulty in all my emotions.In this analogy all the variables contain their original meaning except instead of c² being the sq of speed of light ,it's the sq of speed of thought.The logic behind this is that I was trying to explain emotions to myself.
So what are emotions made up of?Feeling's.What are feelings made up of?Perceptions.And these perceptions are made up of a cluster of thoughts.Why do you like someone-you think you like her because of some characteristic.It's as simple as that.Something appealed to you and it's a thought.Everyday a million thoughts pass through our egoist minds like a million tadpoles wading across a river.Some survive,some die.The survival of the fittest ,in a way.The thoughts that survive are the ones that make an impression and procreate the corresponding future Emotions.What if the ones that died lived and vice-versa?That means,the emotions would be different,right?So what leads to some of the tadpoles surviving and others not?The prevalent conditions.What conditions prevail in our mids?A simple factor called Ego,whatever please us.And yet all our actions are based on those certain thoughts that survived.Wow.
Now I'm not implying that the speed of light is equal to the speed of thought.They may not be.But yet again,it's the Theory of Relativity.
m is mass-mass of an object that can transfer energy(read as-receive, store and pass it on).Objects around are the same except that the energy that reverberates in it differs and accordingly giving that object certain characteristics.That's the only reason why plastic bags don't reproduce-because that kind of energy doesn't flow through them.Luckily for plastic bags,we humans generously make them in bulk.Ugh.Coming back,according to this analogy itself-Energy is also equal to the multiple of mass and sq of speed of thoughts.So all non-living objects have emotions?Yeah.And that's why people prefer having pet rocks instead of children.That's why it's okay to treat people like"dirt". All I am trying to say is that all your emotions affect the ones around you and the proverbial you.And remember we live in patterns.Still don't believe in Karma?It's time you face me.How long are you going to hide behind that flashy smile and intellectual witty statements gathered over the years?
Emotions are expression of energy.Take the case of the industrial revolution in England in the late 18th and early 19th century.Why did it have such an profound effect on the political and socio-economic conditions of England?Simply because the massive group of people believed in the concept.Why did the World wars create so much destruction?Because all the countries involved in it believed that war was the only way and they all achieved success in destroying the other nations while getting destroyed.I don't understand how one can say there is a lack of anything in this Earth!I mean,there is an abundance of people ,abundance of land and food ,abundance of water-It's just that these 'abundances' are not treated with grace or are assumed to be unwanted.Why?Yet again,because of our colored thoughts.When we are said to watch our words ,the teller has not a clue of what gift she has passed on.We have so many anti-war campaigns.See,your brain has to imagine everything that it wants to relate to (unless it had been a part of your experiential library).So when your mind has to come up with an image for 'anti-war' ,it has to imagine what a war would look like and then create an image of what an anti of that would be like.This just distorts the mind and our energies too.So instead of supporting peace we (in a very twisted way)support war.Why do you not say -"I don't not hate you!" instead of "I love you!".It's simpler,right.Same way,make things simpler for your brain.Say pro-peace instead.Oh yeah,go hippies!=}
The black holes that fascinate many are expected to emit a thermal spectrum of radiation, and thereby lose mass.Because according to Einstein's Theory of Relativity mass is just highly condensed energy. Black holes will thus shrink and evaporate over time. The temperature of this spectrum is proportional to surface gravity of the black hole, which in turn is inversely proportional to the mass.So large black holes thus emit less radiation than small black holes.Apparently a black hole that weighs the same as a car (~ 10^-24 m) would only take a nanosecond to evaporate, during which time it would briefly have a luminosity more than 200 times that of the sun.Now that's beautiful.And what's more beautiful is that we people are like black holes.We keep sucking in things.So the bigger we get the longer we live.But the question is what are you attracting in you?How long till you understand that being icons of self indulgence is pathetic?
There is this exotic book I gifted myself on Valentines day.By Rob Brezsny,the book's name is Pronoia is the antidote for Paranoia.All of us know what Paranoia is and we have basked in it's light for too long now without our own awareness.But not a lot of us have a clue of what Pronoia is.
Pronoia is the itchy suspicion that the Universe is a conspiracy on your behalf.
From when did I get so lucky?Everyone hates me right!
Well ,who told you that?
It's so clear from everyones face I ever met!
And how many people have you met?
*Blank*
Stupid people.That's a reason why I could not stand people.But I have come to realize that people are also constituents of the Universe and my God is this Universe.At a point of time,I couldn't feel anything but tongues of numb pain comforting me.That's when this concept of Pronoia helped me feel alive.I'm a part of this Universe and without me this Universe would be incomplete.The Universe has done so much to keep me in a state of bliss.She gave me whatever I asked for-I asked for pain,for failure ,for love,for confined freedom and she gave generously.That's what you have been doing too.We asked for the presence of each other in our life.Inspite of feeling heady with all the lush generosity that covers us,we complain so much that we don't see the charm in what we have got.We asked for all the problems and simple pleasure in our lives.Are we ready to be grateful about it?I believe in Pronoia.I believe that everyone is in my life to make me joyous.There is a fine line between annihilating and inflating one's ego.What do you want?I don't want ego.I realize that the Universe had done so much because I am a part of the creation that she has so cunningly perfected.Why?Well the Universe wants pure bliss.She grants whatever her creations ask for because looking at her creations in a state of ecstasy makes her ecstatic.This Universe is meant to be for love,joy and bliss-destruction,maya,jealousy was meant to exist in our Universe's doppelgänger.How do I know?Well,atleast I believe in something.What do you believe in?
Think about it.And smile.
The thank -yous:
#All those who are a part of my Universe: My imaginary prince charming(I'm still waiting for a sign of you),70's sam, roy, masterni,my new pasta-making best-friend(Boy,we do need to get you a new name),my twin brother,teju,meow,pussy.You people are far to much a part of me to be someone else.
#Also Rangwala-who is an awesome writer.Please read his blog and this proves that I have cool friends-http://www.whytwoplustwoisnotfive.blogspot.com/
And Taher-when you get famous,thank me.
#If I didn't mention your name that doesn't mean your not a part of my Universe.You'd know it.And if you don't feel that way ,let me tell you that everything around me is a part of my Universe .Same as I'm a part of everything in this Universe.=D
#For deeper understanding in Pronoia ,start of with www.pronoia.net

The Missing everything

Dearest Beautiful Magical Story-teller,
I don't know where to turn to.My wild imagination is being replaced by unwanted information and images that I don't want to believe in.I want to let go of it all and find you.I know not in which dimension you exist.For all I know, you are only a reality in my imagination.But yet I write as a process of self-healing.Those tormented images no longer inflict their charm on me when I envision you.They came pouring shamelessly into my childlike psychic.And now,I let them flow because I know you are there to hold me and call me your lil'one.

Come and whisper mystical events and truthful myths in my ear.Hug me like you were supposed to be a part of me and are coming back with gratitude,into me.Run your sweet palms (brimming with the fragrance of Khus)through my face so closely that you can feel every wrinkled line inflicted upon my being because of nonconstructive rage and over-rawed emotions.Fell those lines and rub them away.Hold my hands till they get sweaty and blow sand into my eyes.Lie next to me,watching my half-smile twitch while being an exuberant part of my dreams.Take me to a land with rainbow colored lakes on a white unicorn with spark-ly black wings and golden streaks.Smile and fuss over me unnecessarily.Keep me looking like a blushing bloom caught mid way through sessions of innocent flirting.Keep my toes running in rapid circular bursts of deep love and joy.Appreciate the hearts that dot my "i".Make me your imaginary fantasy bride.Nibble on me softly leaving traces of you all over.Dress me with wild flowers,muslin of copper-sulphate blue radiance,foam from the purest waterfall and dew drops collected from lotus flowers found in hidden lakes of the Indus.Be the sandman of my dreams and show me that I have a beautiful soul.Show me that you can love me back with the same harmonious intensity that I shower on to you. Fill my carpet with your clothes,lush green apples,colorful salads and beautiful books.Tell me the wonderful story of our journey in love.

All of this seems so fantasy-like but there is one thing I'm sure as hell of-that I'd never have to write one more such matrix of statements that are retrieved from my future.Because I believe you are very alive.Because you would have already ideated and carried it out with asymmetrical precision and absolute pureness.


The people who provided the right environment for me to write this-
My "new best friend":thank you for the pasta and comforting shoulder.
And you too,Roy-for being there always.
Oh,and I noticed that this is my 6th entry made.I love the sound of number 6.And this write up has come to be my favorite.The pieces are fixing in.Beautiful little patterns running around this vast Universe.
Love.

See ma,Van!

Death is the road to awe-The Fountain whose beauty is a visual intoxicant to my rods and cones.Death ,anger,fear-disturctive emotions. That's what they are referred to as. How shameful it is to be destructive.
A red van passes by and there is no one driving it...
I am a good person.
What the fuck do i achieve from that?
Spread love. Spread joy. And what do I do if I find joy in my heartbreaks? Why this resentful negligence towards "negative emotions"?
From time to time ,i feel nothing.Like i have been lying asleep deep in the bowls of my unconscious ocean. Psychedelic colours swirl enigmatically around my body,wrapping me tight into their luxurious characteristics. I am slowly pushed up to where the kind i belong to exists.Humans.How I detest them.And their need for an immaculate figure. I hate that word-immaculate. Every electron running through my body changes it's speed the moment this word has poked my mind. Why would you want to be so clean and so perfect.There is nothing wrong with perfection .But the fact is people miss out the underlined beauty in perfection -same found in imperfection.
Chaos : pattern,
Random : love,
Time : flow,
Energy : emotion,
Tide : love,
Discover : harmony,
Ecstasy
Entrapment
Enable
Educate and
Lose the light though,
Intensity
Underestimated.
Reliable
Rough bliss
Procreate,
I need his love.
I want him to be with me.
And yet the I break down every bit of it ,wondering how we ever got there. To the doors with magical light encompassing it.
Then fear grips me-
Should I walk ahead or should i turn back ?A logical reaction would be to move forward.But where to?No one takes a step back.No human.But am I human?
All these emotions i experience are like mirrors facing each other reflecting precisely what's been portrayed. No per-conceptions of any sort.
Can an organism function just on its own credibility? I wonder.
The red van passes yet again.And now is when i wish i could halt my mind but then again there is no one in the driver’s seat.

Fumble mid-night special Ruck

3:58-Lying in bed.Wondering what time holds for me.The Law of attraction.What am i attracting in my life?
3:59-A min more and it'll be 4 in the morning.I like this time.I like the air at this hour.I wish i was outside.Out side this hostel.Outside this university.Outside Noida...Outside my body.
4:00a.m.-Okay.Reality check-I'm in a girls hostel.They are studying about water gas and auto something.I want to make out.Sadly no one{adhered to by me when most comfortable -duhh,for me}'swings'.
Do i go to college or not.Not really an option.If i wake up that is.My mind strays,meanders into convenient paths.Is self mortification that much of a painful deed?Subconsciously,i do belive in it.There are times when all i can feel is cold numbness.No pain,nor frustration.When you enter a tunnel,it's dark.But somewhere there is this understanding that there's an end to it,where the much awaited proverbial light waits for us.What if you were born in a tunnel?I wondered at times,though we all do get what we want-why do we not accept it with grace?I wanted to learn how it is to be in a state of being attached and yet detached.Do i make sense to anyone more?I have been told by people very special to me to listen to them,to let them help me through the rough patch.One of these special people told me that he can smell trouble brewing up when i spoke to him recently.And i have nothing new to add to that.A lovely teacher with kind pink heart asked me why i'm not talking properly to any of my classmates any more.Fact is i don't see a need to converse that much anymore.I am happy in my corner bed,happy in my dirty cothes and knotted hair,happy observing.Yet that void.This void could probably engulf the whole of hell.I read a very nicely put statement by a brilliant looking-thinking young to be lawyer.It was his custom message for his google account.I connect it with this poem i once read called Kubla Khan by Samuel Taylor Coleridge.He[S.T.C]ends the poem on how he wishes that he could recreat the magic of his dream during an 'enhanced' deep sleep.This young friend of mine simply put across the fact that creativity is not made of big words with intellectual implications.It desn't have to be complex.That provides me with some breathing space.Can i evoke that kind of specific sensation to the people i want it from?Maybe.
A green dressed fairy with her hair that forgot it had to be straight came up to me today and hugged me.And after a long time ,i knew it was genuine.And for that finite period i felt like a part of me was returned with gratitude.
There's so much to write.But my body has started giving away physiologically.Once glance towards me would make a top class Nazi officer cry like a lost child.My eyes let me know that they can store an ocean of water in them and when offended they will release their secret weapon against me.God,never think you body is dumb.It's just about as smart as you.Subjectivity credibility.
Time to save the world.Off to lala land.